The fog might be lifting. I woke up this morning feeling ready to be an active participant in today. I hugged and kissed my old dog, he wagged his tail, leaning into my love. He was in a good mood too. Black coffee and two eggs scrambled with spinach for me. Kibble and left over eggs scrambled and spinach for the old dog.
There’s an important meeting with some of our largest donors today. I put on my best grey wool skirt and tights and black leather boots. A pressed shirt. Black wool blazer. I feel pretty. Professional. Festive and in season at the height of Fall.
I pat my old dog good-bye and drive to work. On the way, I think of all the things that make me happy. I tell myself to remember, to focus on these things. Remember. Especially when the temptation to chuck it and check out and let the wheels come off and be unhealthy and drink two bottles of wine and eat cheddar and sour cream potato chips and watch a day’s worth of old movies… Especially when the temptation simply becomes too great. Because while the initial feeling of letting go of the helm and checking out is incredibly liberating, the after affects, the hangover of sugar and lethargy and inertia weigh exponentially heavier as I struggle to plug back into good, healthy, routine.
Do you remember what makes you happy? Can you tell me what makes me happy? Can you tell me this. Do you remember?
There’s a calendar on my desk. Ask and It is Given. Daily reminders of how to steer your thought train, from negative to positive. Here’s October 6:
If, when you focus upon what you want, you would feel good; and if, when you feel good, you would be in the positive mode of attraction, then would your most important work be to look for the positive aspects of all things, to look for the parts of all things that are uplifting to you – and to get your attention off of any potholes in the street?
Have you ever noticed when you focus on something, it grows. You like a new style of vehicle, learn the make and name, and suddenly you see it everywhere. The idea behind the calendar, and Jerry and Esther Hicks books, your thoughts lead you in a direction, into action. Good or bad. If you start down a path of negative thinking, negative results, the very thing you do not want, appear. There is no difference between ‘I do Not want,’ and ‘I want.’ You are still focusing. The more focus you give anything, the more of it will manifest in your life. Ultimately, focus on what you want, physically feel the joy and gratitude as if the item, the experience, the person, is in your life right now. And live as if it is.
So what is it that I want. Mabel, do you happen to remember?
Do you remember Dad’s hands. His thick strong fingers, and plump palms? The fore and middle fingers stained yellow from smoking More cigarettes. His droopy kind eyes, the furry eyebrows, how they lifted with particular interest to something said. the large round bulky eye glasses, how they hung on the end of his nose. Completely out of date, he didn’t know the difference. Or care.
Remember how he listened to our stories? ‘You are the most beautiful girl,’ he would say. ‘The best dresser in town.’
Mom called a lot. Alright, too much. I know it got to be pretty annoying. Phone call after phone call after phone call. ‘Hi dear, it’s your mother again, listen, I forgot to mention…’
Roommates loved me, and the phone calls from my mother. ‘I’m not answering it. It’s your mother on the phone.’
But she wanted to know; how you were, how your day had been, how you were feeling. Is everything alright dear? I don’t think you sound so good. Would you like me to send you some vitamin C? I love you very much.’
I don’t remember our sister much. You probably do. But I know I miss having a sister now. I think about what we would talk about, would she be married, have kids. In my imagination we are very close. She would forgive me my stupid acts, and tell me its all going to be okay. We talk about everything. I trust her like I trust no other. We talk about it all. Nothing is real until I share it with her. We are connected as family. Implicit. She listens, and she loves, and we are sisters.
I know you understand. You probably get lonely too. Do you ever get scared that you might drift too far out to sea, without something, someone, keeping you tethered, a child, a parent, a significant other, a relationship of One. That One person you would call first if there is a natural disaster, your in case of emergency person.
Without this someone keeping you vested, in the day to day, in getting up in the morning, in getting out the door. Vested in doing your best. Do you ever fear that without this relationship that you will just disappear for good?
Are you afraid of drifting, a little at a time, out into oblivion. A result of caring just a little bit less, and a little bit less, each and every day. Just a little bit less.
This is not the story I want to tell. The positive path I want to take. This is all heading in the wrong direction, as I want to focus on all the blessings in my life. Maybe I’m tired, overworked, drained. I don’t know. It helps to write to you about it. Recognize the feeling, and hope that in doing so it will move along. Get to going on its way and leave me be.