Today my calendar says:
Never are you more clear about what you want when experiencing what you do not want. And so, if you will stop and say, ‘Something is important here, otherwise I would not be feeling this negative emotion; I need to focus on what I want,’ and then turn your attention to what you do want – in that moment of turning your attention, the negative emotion and the negative attraction will stop – and the positive attraction will begin – and your feelings will change from not feeling good to feeling good. That is the Process of Pivoting.
I fell asleep at 8pm last night. I took two muscle relaxers and a anti inflammatory. That did the trick. My back was bothering me. I was feeling bloated and tired. Even though I tried not to over indulge at the benefit dinner on Monday night, even the smallest desserts and sips of wine leave a residue. The body doesn’t rest well, I sweat a lot when trying to sleep. It’s a fitful night of slumber. Yesterday I barely ate. Slices of turkey and cheddar cheese at my desk. Had every intention of going to the gym at 6pm, but once I got home and closed the door behind me, I knew I wasn’t going anywhere.
I took the dog outside and threw the ball. Giving him his due. He deserves more I know. But on certain days it’s all I can do. When I crawled into bed I felt relief. The shades were drawn the door was locked. The pooch climbed on and circled at the end of the bed. I felt safe and secure. There would be no interruptions, no one asking me to complete tasks, listen to their story, answer the phone. I muted the phone. No more text messages. No more FB. No more electronic bombardment. I close my eyes and dream in that middle space between sleep and wakefulness. I imagine the life I want to live, the life I will be living:
There’s a one story house, modern with clean lines, built with natural materials, cork, aluminum, wood. It draws its energy from the earth, geo-thermally. A partially covered deck off the kitchen leads to a large wooded yard, with strong mature oak and maple trees. A tall wooden fence encircles the back yard providing a secure and comfortable space for my old dog, and me. In the morning I make coffee, and open the back doors to the yard, letting my old dog come and go at his four legged leisure. A warming fire burns in the large stone fireplace, the only wall that separates the kitchen from the living room. I sit and watch the sun rise, pondering the day’s prose. I write for a living. Making a decent one at that. I tell stories of hope and of coming clean with the past and of coming home. These stories detail the climb back to redemption through healing and forgiveness, and of families and friends coming together after long prolonged absences.
People write to me and tell me their stories. Because we have all been there. We all know. I respond as best as I can with words of encouragement and promises that if they hold on long enough, and set their heart and mind in the right direction, the goodness will come.
Leaves fall in the back yard. They fall around me. I am covered in the golden glow of the morning’s rays that stream through the open windows and warm the floorboards at my bare feet. There is peace all around. It wraps me old dog and me and our home in a blanket of safety, security, happiness and comfort in knowing there is no where you else you would rather be. There is no where else you are required to be. But right here at home.
And I fall asleep for good.