My biggest fear, I think, is that I will become irrelevant. That I will stop mattering to anyone or for anything. Does this actually happen to people? How awful. What a terrible fate to imagine. The idea of wandering off a cliff somewhere into utter oblivion and not making a single sound as you disappear to dust, no one around to hear your last breath, or to care. Sounds terrible, doesn’t it? Makes my heart race.
Like a tree that falls silently in the woods because no one is around to hear it.
This is where my mind goes sometimes. With both of my parents gone now, and no kids of my own. No significant other to speak of for over a year, maybe two. Like, it’s really just me. Standing out here all by myself, exposed, feeling pretty damn naked. Alone. When I look around I see people, lots of people, with other people – holding hands with other people, looking across the room at that special someone. People bringing that one person a cup of coffee without having to ask what they like in their coffee. The mathematics of a significant other, a primary relationship, where one person depends solely and completely on the other in reciprocity; propping each other up and facing the path ahead together. If one half of the reciprocity fell off into oblivion the other would certainly hear it, feel it, would acknowledge their absence, would miss them, would mourn their no longer being here.
How did I get so dreadfully alone? I wouldn’t say I’m lonely, no, I’m surrounded by many good friends and family members. But, alone. Yes, very much so. Except if you count the dog. Which of course is one of the great joys in my life as you know.
I had a sister once, she died at 20. I had a mom once too, she died when I was 35. I’ve been facing this last decade like a lone soldier wandering the country side trying to get back to his kinsfolk. I go home nightly to an empty house. I spend the holidays visiting from house to house to house.
Forever a guest and never the host. I don’t want to live like that anymore.
I can’t help but to feel like I’m missing out on something profound. The intimacy of sharing. Sharing with that one person you trust most, love most. I often wonder, Mabel, why God has chosen this for me right now. But ours is not to wonder why, but to keep going. So I do. But it doesn’t go without saying that I do not question, I do not doubt, I do not feel sad and torn and sometimes betrayed. Moving ahead and forming relationships with people, optimistically hoping and looking for that one true connection, only to learn that these relationships are actually more casual then thought and the space for ‘Primary Significant Other for Sharing’ is already filled and I’m trying to connect with someone on a level that is already at maximum capacity and there’s no room for one more. No vacancy.
April has usually been the month when I’m able to find love. Two extraordinary relationships in my life came out of the month of April. But that was over the span of 20 years… lol. That’s a 50% success rate. Pretty crappy ROI. And if you consider those relationships have ended, more like 0%. Feels like a different life time ago.
So we push forward.
I miss you Mabel. I hope you’re well.
“I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light.” ― Helen Keller