My to-do list for today was empty. Not one line-item entered into my calendar. This did not happen on purpose, just the way things unrolled for the week.
Three years ago I wrote the following on my birthday:
It’s the Eve of my 45th Birthday. Last year I was in Jackson Hole skiing, attending my brother’s wedding. Now I’m back home in a new job with new goals, having not had a cocktail in almost a month. The only thing I’m wishing for this year is love. The love of a good man. The man I am going to marry. For us to finally meet and be together, start our life together. I’m hoping it is S. I feel so good with him. So relaxed. So cared for and loved. When we are actually together. Which is not very often. But I find him so attractive, and funny, and smart, and we just understand one another. I can feel him, all the time, when he’s not next to me, and he’s only been next to me twice. Really next to me. The warmth of his touch. ‘I feel really good when I’m with you,’ he said. ‘I do too with you,’ I said. Tonight I said the rosary and prayed for God’s grace to let this relationship grow in trust and love and goodness. He speaks to me, his values about family and people resonate deeply.
Then, two years ago, I wrote this:
We revisit the moment despite however painful because it is like coming home. It is the familiar.
One year ago:
On the occasion of my 47th birthday, I miss my parents, my family, more than ever. With J gone, after that month together while he was sick, I’m not sure I’ve ever felt more alone. It’s not his fault. Just feels like I go round on this hamster wheel more and more. I fight it every day. It’s getting harder as I get older. I just, want, to feel, to be, taken care of, to feel, to be, safe.
Like a lot of people I don’t even know, I lost my family way too young. Somehow it feels like I’ll always pay a price for that.
Somehow it feels like it’s only begun.
Because every day you start over.
First, a phone call from J while he’s traveling so far away. So loving, so kind. So sweet. How did I get so lucky?????
After we spoke I finished up a resume and cover letter I had been working on for over a week. It took another four hours of proofreading and edits. After submitting it, I wrote the following text to J:
So, I’m finally just now submitting my resume for that job app we talked about. Been working on it more since we talked this morning. My gift to you and me: new opportunities. I love you.
Then the following email arrived from one of my stunning classmates, sent from some far off place as she travels about the globe for work. She remembered me and wrote the most beautiful sentiment:
…thinking of you and sending you much love
How auspicious to have a new moon on your birthday
Bodes well for all sorts…and in Aquarius, I think that speaks for individuality as well as the collective.
You have a voice we all love to hear.
What a phenomenal experience we just had. Hearing each other’s work, celebrating each other as individuals and artists.
Can’t wait to touch base and hear how you are, what you are thinking.
I know a wonderful path has opened up before you.
Hope you are celebrating.
I will certainly raise a glass
Let your spirit soar my friend.
Then I made a list:
– get a new PO Box
– apply for a new driver’s license
– Row 2k, beating my 8:49 time yesterday
Today was a beautiful day.