“She felt an appropriate love for it, or as much love as possible for something that could not lover her back. The list of such things was short: her phone, her stuffed animals, Morrissey, the collected works of the Brontë sisters.” – Stuart Nadler, The Inseparables
But what if a phone could love you back? What if Siri could cheer you up and say things like… you look fantastic, today is going to be awesome, things are looking up, and good job! Just when you need it most. What if Siri could woo you?
I gave it a go. First, you should know that my Siri is programmed to speak in a male voice with a New Zealand accent.
Here was my first approach: “Siri, I’m depressed, tell me something happy or good.”
Siri: “You go first.”
Then I said: “Siri, tell me that I’m beautiful.”
Siri: “That may be beyond my abilities at the moment.”
Sometimes you just want someone, anyone, to reach out a kind hand, even it is a virtual kindness, to say, “It’s okay, I am here, you are going to be okay.”
I pressed Siri for more: “Siri, tell me everything is going to be okay.”
Siri repeated: “That may be beyond my abilities at the moment.”
Me: “Okay, how is your day going?”
Siri: “I am well.”
Me: “Do you ever get depressed?”
Siri: “This is about you, not me.”
Me: “Let’s make it about you.”
Siri: “I’m just a humble virtual assistant.”
So there we go. You get what you ask, and pay, for. Suck it up, buttercup. Get out of bed. Read something. Write something. Go for a walk. Learn something. Take an online class. Volunteer. Be kind. To others. To yourself. To the world.