Day 18. How?

How to start a life? How to jump start an old life that’s pulled over to the side of the road and stalled.

I’m not 50 yet, and therefor just a little over half way thru a life. There’s some time left. So, what is it going to take to get powered up again? To get back on the road, to get moving, humming, buzzing, in a direction…

I wake up often throughout the night: too hot, too cold, throat dry, sweating, sore back, and my brain–oh, my brain–going round and round gnawing on some email or some text msg. thread that didn’t finish out the day the way I’d hoped. What will tomorrow bring as a result? More bad? More uncertainty?

More inability?

Inability to feel good about myself, to pay upcoming bills, to get out of my pajamas and put on a bra, to have some confidence, to have a coherent conversation, to not explode through the seams of my fat pants, to not muffin-top over what’s left of the waist band of those fat pants, to not fear getting dressed up again (what if I actually get an interview?), to not loathe myself, to not eat a pound of peanut butter from the jar, to not open a beer at 3pm, to not want to not go out because I feel so… like a marshmallow: soft, doughy, pale white, threatening to grow rigid and crusty when exposed to the warmth of the sun.

What is it going to take?

How to restart this life?


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