Today I burned a pile of mail that I had been collecting in a cardboard box by the door. Hauled the stash outside with a box of matches and some lighter-fluid, loaded the fire pit and started feeding the flames one standardized letter at a time. Most of the mail, 99.9% of it, that gets delivered these days ends up in this box, unopened. Sometimes there is so much mail that I feel heavy, weighed down by it. Remember when it was exciting to receive a letter in the mail with its handwritten address? I sort of remember, barely.
Thought for today: I could say that all seems lost, with very little job prospects on the horizon, but that’s not entirely accurate. If anything, I feel more, impatient, than a loss of hope. Impatient for what’s coming next, an optimism that whatever is getting ready to turn the corner towards me must be good. It must be. I feel impatience for these good things to present themselves.
For the first time in my adult life I wish the weekends would pass quickly… I’m eager to get into the working week because that’s when the professional world is available to me, and I to it. At least that’s the feeling for today. Some HR person some where is reading my cover letter and reviewing my resume and is steps away from picking up the phone to call me and schedule an interview. One can only hope. It can take almost a whole day to apply to a single job, between researching the company, rewriting and editing a letter and resume to match their qualifications and buzz words.
Burning shit to pass the time, helps. Why is it so rewarding? For one, it’s as if I’ve accomplished something, quite finite. It’s a letting go. Can’t be undone. Impactful in its totality. Plus, the smell, the smell of burning wood and paper, outside in the crisp spring air mixed with remnants of snow; the aroma of letting go, cleaning house, making space, so new possibilities may come.
How I miss the romance of the sea. Except it’s not really romance, it’s more… Peace? Now? Letting go? Surrender? Strapping in? Blending? Releasing? Settling in? Settling down? Accepting. Planting. Digging. Rooting. Surrendering. Unplugging. Plugging in. Re-calibrating. Short-circuiting. Rewiring. Accepting. Flat line. To die. Surrender.
Surrender to the sea and we surrender to love.
Surrendering control. Yet pitching in, contributing to the overall manning and maintenance of the ship for the betterment of all on board.
Thus: Surrender of self to the Whole.