Job inquiry emails sent today: Three. Caveat: One of those emails was a request to reschedule an informational interview that was canceled due to the snow storm.
Resume and LinkedIn profile edits over the course of the day: Infinity.
Email/phone calls received in response to my inquiries: ZERO.
Heart heavy today. Full of fear. Feeling useless. Humbled by the lack of interest in my professional skills. Like a dumb-ass I signed up for one of those resume writing services offered by Monster. But, they guaranteed at least three interviews. When you’re lacking confidence or doubting your relevance/marketability, you are vulnerable to every single offer.
I’m running out of room on my credit cards.
I have 1.5 months left of unemployment benefits.
As monthly interest fees pile up, as I sink further into this hole of doubt and uncertainty, I have little left over for personal relationships.
The thought of spending time with friends or family members sounds exhausting today. I have nothing to offer; nothing to say. I decline offers for dinner. I do not want to take a walk with you. I do not want to talk on the phone. I do not want to know what’s new with you. Call me selfish. I’m indifferent.
No way to answer the question, how’s the job search going?
Answer: GREAT. IT’S GOING FCK*N GREAT.
It’s hard not to wonder where I went wrong. Somewhere, somehow, I fuck*d up. Otherwise, how did I end up in this place? Karma? Comeuppance? Hibernation before emerging as a butterfly. (Butterflies—as in insects in the macrolepidopteran clade Rhopalocera from the order Lepidoptera, which also includes moths—are cool, but tchotchkes embroidered with butterflies? No thank you.)
See? These dark thoughts. These feeling-sorry-for-myself merauderings. These deep crevasses of woe-is-me. Need to pull myself out by the boot straps.
Need to make a cup of coffee, go for a walk, throw the ball for the dog. Meditate. Exercise. Anything. EVERYTHING. Just do it. Don’t do it. Stay in the Now. Embrace the suck. Write. Read. Research. Cry. Punch. Stomp your feet. Squat. Go on a juice fast. Take a laxative. Drink NyQuil. Take an opiate. Or two. Or Xanax. Or both. Chase it with a beer. Or three. Sleep till noon. Nap again at two. Volunteer. Network. Sing up for LinkedIn Premium, only $47.99* / month (when billed annually). Update computer software. Buy a new laptop—that will up your productivity, employers will just know you’re relevant. Start your own business. Design business cards. Go back to school. Start a blog.