I would like to say

I would like to say that JC traveling so much does not have an effect on me. But it does. I think about all the things that can go wrong.

On the drive home tonight a deer ran out in front of my car. The deer was young, maybe a year old. The road was covered in snowpack. The deer saw my headlights and scrambled to get out of my way. I hit the brakes but my tires skid and my vehicle did not slow, I was sliding towards the deer. I thought, this is it, I’m going to kill this animal in my headlights. As the deer scrambled and I pumped the brakes and turned the wheel, the deer made a final leap as my tires rolled over where its hooves last met the road. We did not collide. And then the deer was gone.

Who would I have called if I had hit the animal? Who would come and help me? Who would help me get home to feed the dog and let him outside. The dog does not do well with strangers. These are things that I think about.

There’s also, when JC goes on these long trips, he is without phone service or internet for extended periods. He is at the mercy of the elements and the weather and the world.

I know I’m not alone. There are people who go through this for much longer periods of time. Spouses left at home with jobs to go to and children to care for. If military families can do it for months and years or longer, then I can certainly go a week. Why do I feel so frightened? Why do I feel so fragile? Why do I feel so forgotten? Why do I worry so much? What would happen to me and the dog if JC never came home? Where would the dog and I go? What would we do? Would I have to give the dog away? Would I have to pack up my stuff and put it somewhere and search for another place to live? Would I be forced to forget this home? As if it never, ever existed.

A soul disappearing with each tick of the clock.



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